


Feeling Isn't Easy

by TheAngelofFate



Series: Notice that there is an extreme lack of Sea Salt Trio fics out there and I wanted to correct that [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hugging, Lots of Crying, Nightmares, Platonic friendships, Roxas needs all the hugs, absolutely no yaoi, also no I don't ship leaisa, apologies but not really, axel being a dad/brother, axel loves his kids and his buddy isa, i cant stress this enough that this is platonic, kh3 aftermath, lots of hugs, only ever saw them as friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:21:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22793167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAngelofFate/pseuds/TheAngelofFate
Summary: In which Roxas realizes that just because he and his friends are at peace now doesn't mean that the nightmares have completely gone away.
Relationships: Axel & Roxas & Xion (Kingdom Hearts), Axel & Roxas (Kingdom Hearts), Lea & Roxas & Xion (Kingdom Hearts), Lea & Roxas (Kingdom Hearts), Roxas & Xion (Kingdom Hearts)
Series: Notice that there is an extreme lack of Sea Salt Trio fics out there and I wanted to correct that [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1638688
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	Feeling Isn't Easy

Roxas had no idea that living would be so _hard_. That existing, having a heart would be so confusing, so frustrating and so very difficult. 

Most of the time, he was fine, he felt whole being alive, and feeling and having his friends by his side again, but other times he felt like he didn't know _how_ to feel or how he should react to a situation, especially now with Sora missing, he definitely was feeling the loss of his Somebody, as was Ventus and Xion and Namine.

But the most frustrating thing he's had to deal with was his trauma that he still wasn't past yet. 

He couldn't go _near_ a computer, the first and unsurprisingly— _last time_ he did, he almost destroyed Cid’s computer had Isa not stopped him. 

And he also flat out _refuses_ to step foot into the Castle of Radiant Garden _knowing_ that DiZ was there.

And above all, the _worst_ thing Roxas had to deal with now being human, were the nightmares. They didn't happen often, in fact, they only seemed to appear when Roxas was at his most calm, when he felt happy and at peace. that's when a nightmare would happen, a cruel punishment for living. 

For the first few days they consisted of his seven days within the Simulated Twilight Town, where he'd wake up delirious, a choked gasp dying on his lip as he didn't know hat was _real_ and what was _fake_ anymore and he practically convinced himself that everything that happened previously; Xehanort, the Keyblade Graveyard, him and his friends finding peace, never happened at all and it was just part of DiZ's simulation. Talking him down from his delirious state as he rose Oblivion and Oathkeeper in defense was probably the hardest thing Xion, Axel and even Isa had ever had to do.

"Roxas…" Xion's voice was tight and filled with emotion, her eyes filling with tears.

Even Isa looked pained, "Please you must—"

" _No_!" He spit out venomously, "I _won't_ fall for this again, DiZ!" His head hurt and his chest ached, the very place his heart would be if he had one, because he _didn't_ , did he? Because none of it was real, was it? "—Was any of this _real_...?! It wasn't, was it? DiZ is just messing with me again. I'm a tool at best, right? Just half of Sora, _right_?"

But to everyone's surprise, it seemed his words seemed to _really_ piss off Axel. As Roxas could only watch as Axel strolled over to him, anger in his green eyes and grabbed him by the shoulders, "Now you listen here, you zombie. _None_ of that is true, got it? You are _not_ back there, alright? You are right _here_ with me and Xion and Isa. _Everything is fine_ , I promise."

The pressure against his shoulders and presence of Axel seemed to ground him more to reality but his breathe still hitched in his throat, still so unsure. "I don't want to go back to Sora." 

Because he didn't, even if none of this was real the thought of losing who he had become, the thought of losing his existence _again_ , after how hard it had been to lose it the first time?

Was absolutely _petrifying_ to him.

Then Roxas heard a sharp intake of breath that wasn't his own, and not a second later he felt Axel place a gentle hand on the top of his head, looking at him straight in the eyes. " _You won't_ , you won't never have to go back to Sora’s heart _ever_ again. Because you have your _own_ heart now, and you are _real_. You _exist_ now, I _promise_."

His heart ached all the more at Axel's words, tears still falling down his cheeks as he look to them all. "You're all real, right? This is real?"

"—Even if this were a simulation, we'd pull you right out of it, in seconds." Isa disclaimed determined and protective.

Xion nodded, frantically. "We're real, Roxas. Promise."

Axel smiled then, and ruffled his hair, "We aren't going anywhere, kiddo. Got that memorized?"

Roxas let out a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, as he wiped at his eyes with a wet smile, while gently gripping Axel's sleeve. "Thank you."

* * *

The second time a nightmare plagued him if was Xion; him holding her in his arms as she slowly faded away from him and from his memory. He remembered, grasping at those fleeting memories, trying desperately not to lose them, loose her. She was his friend, she was one of his _best_ friends, he couldn't lose her, not again, not after everything they've gone through, _please_!

_Never forget, that's the truth._

But he had forgotten, he had and then she was gone and he was all alone, with no memory of her or of anyone—!

He awoke then, jumping off the couch he had previously been sleeping on as his mind tried to catch up with his beating heart. There he saw her, sitting there on the other couch looking confused and concerned for him of all people and he practically tackled her in a hug, desperately thinking, _hoping_ that would be enough to keep her there and promptly sobbed into her shoulder, almost crushing her to him. 

Xion awkwardly hugged him back while Axel moved closer to them and affectionately placing his hands on their heads, as he gently tried to coax him into talking.

And Roxas as much as he stuttered, through it managed to give a coherent explanation. How he watched her fade away and even after when he fought against Riku and had tried so _desperately_ to keep her from fading away from his memory. How _angry_ he was at everyone for the part they had to play in her demise and how upset he was at _himself_ that he was blaming others for what happened, when it had been him that had struck her down, with his own weapon.

Then he felt a hand land on his head, and Axel spoke up. "Roxas, look at me."

Slowly, very slowly, Roxas turned his head and looked up at Axel who nodded with a smile sad smile. "Good, now look at Xion."

He did as he was told and look at his third best friend, who's eyes were just as pained as his own probably were as she attempted to give him a smile of her own. "You see her, right?" Roxas let out another sob, because _yes_ he could see her, his friend that was right in front of him. "She's right _there_." Axel declared, firmly. Roxas nodded several times, his throat too raw and sore for him properly speak.

"Good, because she isn't going anywhere."

"Are— Are you sure?" He asked, his voice small and fragile, he wanted to believe Axel because Axel always knew what to do, what to say to make him feel better. But this, he wasn't so sure, he still felt scared, he didn't want to go through that again.

Loosing her, forgetting Xion had been awful, he didn't want that to ever happen, not _ever_ again.

Slowly, Axel reached forward and poked him gently on the forehead, "I wouldn't lie to you about this, kiddo. Xion's fine, she's staying right with us, always."

Roxas let out a small sniffle and it seemed that what it took for Xion to finally crack because now it was her that was pulling him into an embrace, soon the three of them were laughing again, and Roxas felt content once more.

* * *

The third time it happened at been towards the end of the day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, most of the hours were spent at the Mansion where Namine sifted through the memories of him and Xion for clues, to see if they could find anything that might help the others find Sora. While the other half of the he spent with his friends at the Clock Tower, much like he spent at the end of every day when they all had been a part of the Organization. But these times were different, now where they had been a team of three, they were now a team of seven. And Roxas found that he liked it better that way, the more the merry as Axel once said when they all first started hanging out.

But then Axel informed them that he would be taking a late trip to Radiant Garden, cause apparently Even and Leon had something they needed to ask him and Even being well _Even_ , couldn't just ask him over the phone. He ruffled both their heads, waved bye to Hayner, Pence and Olette and said he'd be back later, and he was trusting them both to get to bed on time, since they needed their rest if they wanted to continue helping find Sora.

And once he was gone Hayner and Pence began to tease and snickered at how much of a dad Axel was to the pair of them with actually giving them a bedtime. While Olette disagreed, stating how sweet it was that Roxas and Xion found a big brother in Axel and how much he genuinely loves them.

Hayner bit into his ice cream, "You two sure changed him, you know? Compared to how he was before, that is."

Pence nodded in agreement, "Right, like when he kidnapped Kairi?"

Roxas' eyes widened at that and he noticed Xion looking at him as Hayner let out a laugh, "And Olette broke out her nail bat to protect her?"

Olette grinned as her face turned slightly pink. "He was a guy in a suspicious black coat. Did you expect me to not?"

"He apologized," He said, suddenly, as a feeling washed over him, causing them all to grow quiet and look at him. "Before, he said he was sorry for what he did."

"Roxas...?" Xion was looking at him with a worried expression.

But Hayner interrupted whatever it was Xion was going to say, looking equally as worried but for a different reason. "Whoa! We weren't trying to upset you! We were just saying that it's cool how much you've changed Lea, is all."

Pence and Olette both nodded in unison, clearly upset at the thought of upsetting Roxas. 

Roxas blinked and shook his head, offering up his own apology. "No, I didn't mean for it to sound like I was mad, I just…. sort of came out, I don't really know?"

What brought that on? How would he know that Axel had apologized for kidnapping Kairi?

A few hours later, Roxas had fallen asleep earlier than he wanted to and found himself dreaming, it was peaceful, content, until the nightmares decided to sink their claws into them and dragged him down into their murky depths.

The nightmare twisted his vision, warped reality on it’s head and suddenly he was somewhere else.

> _Blinking, Roxas looked down and he could only let out a gasp in horror as he saw Axel laying on the ground, a smile on his face as he slowly began to fade away. Roxas frantically tried to reach for him but his arms remained practically steeled to his sides, no matter how much he tried to move them and then Axel started speaking. "I wanted to see Roxas. He… was the only one I liked." Axel continued to fade away, continued to die right in front of him and there was nothing he could do about it._
> 
> _Tears sprung to his eyes, as he tried so desperately to move his hands, his arms, his legs, something, to get to Axel, to help him because he refused to let him fade away, not after all they've gone through, not after Axel promised that he and Xion and Isa would never leave him._
> 
> _"He made me feel like I had a heart."_
> 
> _A choked noise escaped his throat at those words, Axel was hardly visible at this point, "I'm right **here**! Why are you talking like I'm not even here!?" He screamed out, bowing his head and clinched his fingernails into his palms, "Please, please, no… Axel, you promised, please." Then he felt his heart practically crumble to pieces once Axel or what was left of him, gave him one last smile and then he was gone._

His entire world shattered around him in that moment, and he woke with a jolt. Sharp pants, escaped him and he frantically looked around the room, his mind was in full panic mode while it was also trying to rationalize with himself, that what happened was simply a nightmare and that Axel was fine. Still, though, his voice was tumbling out his mouth before he could stop himself.

"Axel!" He called out, his voice sounding smaller as he stutter out his friend's name, but it was loud all the same.

He waited and waited but Axel didn't show up, and that throw Roxas into a tailspin because no matter what happened, no matter the circumstance, Axel always came running when they called him. "No—“ He murmured, as a realization dawned on him, as he felt the room tilt and his vision blurred, his heart ceasing in his chest because if Axel _wasn't_ here, then that means he was, that his nightmare really was... "Axel!" He called out again, louder this time, but when nothing happened, when he heard no footsteps coming his way, his voice became more desperate.

"Axel! _AXEL_!"

Then the door to his room burst open, but it wasn't Axel standing there, it was Xion. And in any normal circumstance seeing her would have brought a smile to his like his friends always managed to do. But this only further crushed him, because if Xion was here and Axel wasn't then that mean that—

"He really is gone." He muttered, his voice breaking, shattering on that last word.

 _Gone_.

Axel was gone.

And that realization hit him _harder_ then it had when he had thought Axel had been terminated back during their days in the Organization. Back then, Roxas had still been a Nobody, so the concept of death and a Nobody fading from existence was still so very new to him.

Clinching a hand over his chest, Roxas throw the covers off himself and sprinted past Xion, before she could even attempt to grab at him, running down the hallways, he continued calling out, “ _Axel_!" while tears silently cascaded down his cheeks. When he got to the living room however, that's when Xion caught up with him and gently grasped his wrist.

"Roxas!?" He turned to look at her and the distraught on his face must have shocked her because her eyes widened, "What's wrong?"

She didn't know,

God, _of course,_ she didn't know. No one knew that Axel was gone, only him.

Only him.

Roxas opened his mouth to speak, to regretfully tell her the truth, but all that came out was another broken sob, his legs buckling under him, almost falling to the floor if Xion had not caught him and brought him over to the couch. There she wrapped him in a one armed hug and gently, ever so gently asked him, "What's wrong?"

Quietly, so very quietly, he whispered, "Axel's gone." Saying it out loud was enough for the dam to break as it to brought fresh tears to his eyes, "He's _gone_... I watched him die, I—“

Xion tightened her grip on him, her tone was soft as it always was when she spoke, "Axel isn't gone..."

She didn't understand, of course she didn't. She hadn't seen what he had. He shook his head, over and over again, no one had seen what he had seen, the image of Axel fading away, of him saying how much Roxas meant to him as his best friend. " _No_ , he's gone. I _watched_ him die, I watched him—!" He kept murmuring as his hand tightly clinched around his heart.

Soon though, after it was apparent to Xion that she wasn't going to be enough to calm Roxas down, she decided to phone Axel to tell him that he needed to cut his visit with Even short and get back home, right away.

But blinked when the connection didn't go through, and for a second, just a second the thought _flickered_ within her mind, but she shook it away just as quickly, dispelling the thought that their best friend might actually be dead and called Isa instead.

Who was just as at a loss at what to do as Xion was, Isa, while it was awkwardly, tried his best to calm Roxas down by using logic as large words they didn’t understand, but that proved to be of no effect as well. So they ceased with talking all together and just sat there in silence, both sitting close to Roxas while the kid trembled and cried out for his thought-to-be dead best friend.

Then about twenty minutes later, the door open, they all turned simultaneously to the direction of the door and in walked Axel. The three of them all huddled on the couch, was definitely a sight Axel hadn't been expecting.

"Uh, hey?" He said confused and he took a few more steps inside and closed the door. Only for him to take a couple steps back in shock when he saw Roxas bolt from where he sat on the couch, and looked at him with huge incredulous eyes. "Hey, Rox. What's—" But he abruptly stopped once he saw that still falling tears dripping down Roxas' chin, within in _seconds_ he felt his protective instincts kick in as it always did when it came to these two kids, and he reached out to Roxas, "What's wrong, kiddo?"

Roxas was trembling, and Lea was genuinely concerned, knowing that whatever made Roxas this distraught must be _very_ serious. "A-Axel—?"

Axel offered his friend a small grin, and poked him on the forehead, "In the flesh. Who else would I be?"

Roxas let a wet laugh escaped his throat before it quickly turned into a sob. As he practically launched himself at Axel, wrapping his short arms around the taller man's waist and completely broke down, "Where were you? _Where were you_?"

The slight _anger_ in Roxas' tone, combine with the sadness was making Lea very concerned as he looked at Xion and Isa for more information. "I was at Radiant Garden, remember? Even was talking my ear off with a theory he had. I tried to get away sooner but he wouldn't let me go until he was done." He had hoped that explanation would be enough to calm Roxas down enough for the kid to tell him exactly what was wrong. But Roxas only held on tighter, trembling, "Hey buddy, what's got you so worked up?" His voice was gentle, despite how worry he actually felt, arms hovering just above the kid, wanting to comfort his friend but for some odd reason he couldn't explain; hesitating.

"You were dead."

Of all the things Axel had expected Roxas to say, of all the phrases he could have spoken, _that_ hadn't been one of them. His eyes widened, shocked by that statement. "What?"

Roxas' fingers dug into the fabric of his shirt, his shoulders continued to tremble. "I was somewhere dark and cold and then you died."

Ah, a nightmare then?

That was the only thing it could be, the kid had a nightmare about him dying, which was common when you had people you didn't want to loose. Lea smiled and gently place a hand on Roxas' head, "I'm not gonna die, I'm right here, aren't I?"

"I _watched_ you die!" Roxas said, angrily, but the tears on his face was enough to show how visibly broken he truly was. "You were _fading_ away and you said that I... that _I_ made you feel like you... had a heart."

It took a minimal of two seconds for Axel to realize _exactly_ what Roxas was talking about and it took when only half of that second to close his eyes and sad sigh,

 _Oh no—_ _of all the memories he could have remembered from Sora, why that one?_

Because Roxas had been right, Axel _had_ died and Roxas _had_ watched him fade, but had done so through _Sora's_ eyes. Since it was _Sora_ he had said all that too back when he, already wounded from Saix's claymore through his failed attempt to rescue Kairi, had used the rest of his existence to get Sora into _The World That Never Was_.

So this wasn't just a simple nightmare, that actually would have been easier to deal with. But this was just like before, when Roxas had a nightmare about Xion's death, they weren’t simply dreams, they were memories and that was harder to handle because _how_ to do tell someone it's okay when you know those memories left that person traumatized because they actually happened?

Kneeling down on to the ground, he wrapped his arms around Roxas' and pulled him close, running a hand through the kid's spiky blonde locks and he let out a sigh, "I'm not gonna lie and pretend it didn't happen, Rox. Because it did—" Apparently, that's _not_ what Roxas wanted to hear at all, for the kid let out a choked noise and held onto him even tighter, but Axel simply shushed him softly and kept going, pulling his friend away from him just enough to look at his face, " _But_ I'm here now, you know that right? I'm right _here_ with you and Xion and Isa too, and I'm not going anywhere." Reaching forward, he wiped Roxas' tears away from his face, and smiled. "How could I? The sigil may be gone but our bonds still there, I could never do that to either of you. You both mean too much to me."

Roxas' swallowed, and opened his mouth, "Promise?" The tone of his voice sounding like a child.

Axel ruffled the kids hair, gently, and swore with everything his heart had to give, "I promise, I'll never leave you or Xion behind, not ever. Okay?"

Slowly, Roxas bowed his head, hugging Axel yet again, nodding. "Okay,"

And by the time it took Axel to look up, Xion was barreling into them, almost all three of them over, if Axel hadn't righted him at the last second, as happy tears pooled into her eyes and down her cheeks.

Then Axel looked up towards Isa and saw his friend staring back at them with a smile on his face, "Don't think I forgot about you, Isa! Get over here!" Isa let a chuckle escape him before he walked over and joined the group hug that they all knew Roxas needed.

Both Xion and Axel laughed, causing Roxas to laugh as well, feeling content that Axel and Xion were alive and were here with him, to hold him up when he fell down.

As long as he had his friends with him, how hard could this new life be?

**Author's Note:**

> Don't really know why I wrote this, I just had an overwhelming urge to right some Roxas angst and what better then to have them in nightmare form, since we all know that just because Roxas, Xion and Axel got a happy ending doesn't mean their still not traumatized by their past, especially with Roxas since he both saw not only Xion fade away but Axel die too, those to experiences had to have left him hurt and heartbroken.
> 
> Anywoo, a penny for you're thoughts? I hope you all enjoy this random story, feedback in the comments down below are always welcomed and appreciated and I will see you all next time.


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